“Packed full of photographs, drawings and facts, DK’s How Not to Get Eaten by Ewoks is a wonderful little volume to get your teeth into. No Star Wars fan can really do without it!”
Hello! Welcome to the Galactic safety information bureau. Here, we will discuss with you tips and helpful advice about the galaxy and the creatures you may encounter on your travels. Sadly, many different lifeforms exist in the worlds you may choose to visit and not all are friendly to travellers. Also, the environments you may encounter may cause serious hazards to your health. We at the Galactic safety bureau take no responsibility for any injuries or deaths you or your travelling party will certainly encounter if you don’t take our advice and advise you take out sufficient intergalactic life insurance in the probable event that you get yourself either injured or killed. If you find yourself in one of the many situations that we will discuss, which you most certainly will, please refer to our guide we will provide you with and hope the force saves you as nothing else probably will. Thank you and enjoy your trip to wherever you intend to go!
How Not to Get Eaten By Ewoks and Other Galactic Survival Skills | By Christian Blauvelt
Our guide contains several sections that we insist you read before setting out on your intergalactic vacation. These sections are:
Dangers Of Travel.
Hazards Of Technology.
Escape, Evasion And Infiltration.
As you will see on the opening pages, we will help you with galactic currencies. Don’t be stupid and try and buy goods on Tatooine with republic credits as they are not accepted by many of the devious merchants located on the planet. Always seek out local advice as the locals know more than you and will possibly help you with not getting turned into Bantha fodder. Please take our advice about exploring the galaxy and stick to the main hyperspace lanes and don’t try and attempt to venture into the unknown regions. You will get yourself and others killed by either alien creatures or TIE-Fighters. Make sure you have the proper survival gear in the likely event you may crash onto an alien planet. Make sure you have cold-weather gear in case you land on Hoth or desert attire if you crash on Tatooine. Of course, you will almost certainly encounter Imperial troops wherever you go so make sure you know what helmets the troopers are wearing so you don’t get shot in the likely event they speak to you. Make sure you know what environment you are visiting and the local landmarks in case of need. Avoid the swamps on Dagobah, the ruins on Jedha (they are likely to be destroyed by the Empire so stay well clear of them) and don’t be stupid and try and light a fire or sunbathe by the lava flow on Mustafar. You may like to try the Porgs on Ahch-To as they are a delicacy to Wookiee’s. We are informed they taste like chicken but we cannot confirm this.
Make sure to plan your trip accordingly and have attained the proper visas for the planet you intend to visit. This will go a long way in preventing you from getting shot by stormtroopers or some disgruntled local. Try and avoid Mynocks as they will chew on your power cables, causing you to probably crash and possibly get eaten by giant space worms. In the event you are forced to crash land after a Mynock attack, only go outside if you have to due to the fact that Mynocks are large flying creatures who will attack you and your party. You can identify Mynocks by their similarity to the earth creatures called bats, only with bigger teeth and large slimy mouths. In the probable event you will need to abandon ship, please make sure you use the escape pods on board the craft. Before you do, however, please check that there are no data tapes or stolen plans aboard. This will go a long way in avoiding death by force choke.
If you see a small moon coming near to you, get away from it as soon as possible. Its no moon, its a space station. You can tell this by seeing if any TIE Fighters are entering or leaving the moon. Also, you can tell by looking for a large laser dish located on the front. If you see a large green laser starting to be emitted from the moon, make sure to tell your family you love them as this will be your final chance before you are destroyed. If in any doubt, ask any survivor of Alderaan. Of which, there aren’t any. If you find yourself in a position where you need to defend yourself and your party, make sure you choose the correct weapon for the situation you face. Blasters are always useful in situations like this but you are advised, some creatures carry portable shields with them so you may need to hide from them and kill them when you have a clear shot. Melee weapons are available on some planets but are no good against an enemy with a laser pistol. Grenades are good but if handled incorrectly, will likely kill you and your party along with the attacking enemy.
Try and avoid discussing politics with anyone. Always remain neutral. This will help you avoid being taken away and interrogated by Stormtroopers who are sworn to Emperor Palpatine. Don’t get involved with any politician, especially rebellious ones. If you choose to get involved however, you will make millions of enemies in an instant. Learn the planets etiquette before you land/ crash. This will save you a lot of problems in the long run. Be mindful of the locals and at all costs, avoid any interaction with a Gungun. They are wonderful under the water where they reside but are clumsy on land which could lead you into a whole world of trouble.
If you land on the forest moon of Endor, in all circumstances, make friends with one of the locals called Ewoks. These cute, cuddly little creatures look harmless but will kill and eat you if you anger them. There are reports of a Princess landing on Endor and being given a gown by the Ewoks which used to belong to a person who they probably ate but this is unconfirmed. In addition, Ewoks are masters of setting devious traps so keep your eyes peeled or you run the risk of becoming the main course at an Ewok banquet. Don’t go out of your way to pick a fight with any local on any planet you may visit. Tatooine has stories of a visiting local, Ponda Baba, who took offence at the presence of a local farm boy and had his arm cut off by an old man with a lightsaber. It’s also in your own interests to stay away from any Hutts you may encounter. This will not end well for you or your travelling party. Also, do not enter into any games with gamblers. Before you know it, you will lose your ship as many of them are cheaters. You may encounter them again somewhere in the galaxy and cheat yourself and win your ship back as one Corellian scoundrel did but this isn’t advised.
If you find yourself in the midst of any trouble, try and blend into the crowd. Or at least have a decent disguise handy. Or just simply hide. By hiding, you are not showing cowardice but are proving you have the survival instinct needed to survive. Sadly, sometimes it is needed that you or a member of your party will have to self-sacrifice so the others can escape. In this instance, be brave in the face of your death and thank you for your sacrifice. There is a 50% chance the rest of your party will now survive you. Again, a good disguise will come in handy if you encounter any trouble and don’t want to die. Another handy tip is to avoid any bounty hunters you may encounter. Don’t do anything or you’ll end up with a bounty on your head. You may think you look good encased in Carbonite but trust us when we say you won’t. It can lead to temporary blindness and hibernation sickness. If you are unfortunate enough to have to face a bounty hunter, take our advice and shoot first. There are conflicting stories on Tatooine of a bounty hunter shooting first at one of the tables located within the local cantina in Mos Eisley but most witnesses believe the Corellian seated opposite of the bounty hunter shot first. Take the advice and don’t risk it.
The galaxy is chock to the brim with deadly predators who have designs on you, your party and how you’ll taste to them. On Hoth, there is a creature called the Wampa who will camouflage itself in the snow and will attack you when you least expect it. You may encounter one with only one arm. If you do, run as it has revenge on its mind for an unprovoked attack committed on it by a person who had his Tauntaun killed by this Wampa. If you encounter a Rancor, keep moving around as much as you can as if it catches you, it will bite your head off without warning. If you can find a large hanging door, try and get to the other side of it and then drop it on the Rancor’s head when its in position. If you come across a Rathtar, then its been fun knowing you. Your best defence is to simply hide until it’s gone otherwise you and your party will become lunch. Take our advice and stay safe on your travels.
Please make sure you read the entire survival guide as this and many more hints and tips are contained within its pages. We hope you have a fantastic intergalactic vacation and thank you for your kind attention!
All of what I’ve described and written above and a whole lot more await the reader when they open this often hilarious and enjoyable little book. Many times while reading its pages did I find myself chuckling or laughing out loud. It may sound like a children’s book but don’t be fooled. There is so much joy to be had with this book and I had to read it a few times to get the full enjoyment out of it. Packed full of photographs, drawings and facts, the book is a wonderful little volume to get your teeth into. No Star Wars fan can really do without it and is recommended by me for anyone who has an interest in the universe and the creatures and situations it contains within its pages. It is worth every penny and will make a great stocking filler or gift for the Star Wars fan in your life.
Star Wars: How Not to Get Eaten By Ewoks and Other Galactic Survival Skills by Christian Blauvelt is published by DK Books and is available to buy now.
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Carl Roberts is a Senior Staff Writer and Books and Literature Correspondent for Future of the Force. He is passionate about Star Wars, Marvel, DC, Indiana Jones and Horror movies. Follow him on Twitter @CarlRoberts2 where he uses the force frequently!